Death

 A short post for tonight. It's late and bedtime beckons. But I have realized something--since the miscarriage, no matter what I do, it seems I am dogged by anxiety and fear. It takes different forms at different times. Before I got pregnant with my youngest, I would worry about my older son and I getting killed or injured in a car accident when I drove. I would worry about my husband. I would worry about someone breaking into our house and killing us. Now, I worry about the baby. Oh, I worry about his reflux and I worry when he cries that he's in pain. But in reality, the deeper, underlying fear is, I worry that my baby will die. Death, always death, is the common theme. I fear death, because it is a shapeless, faceless foe who I cannot fight. 
Even now I feel anxious in the pit of my stomach. How long can I go on feeling this way and still be healthy? I worry for myself that I'm going to end up with some sort of physical ailment or neurological disorder. I don't want that, and I don't want to be anxious when I hold my baby, because I know he can feel it. I also know that my older son is sensitive and he can feel others' emotions. But I feel powerless to do anything about it.
If I could afford counseling, I would go, but I don't have insurance and a single session is $200. For that money, I could buy a mess of groceries. No, it's not doable at this point. Maybe at some future date. At least for now there are things like Tension Tamer tea and Calms tablets. They do help. I just wish I could let go of this fear. But when Death visits you, you can no longer delude yourself into thinking it will never happen to you. Because it can happen to anyone.