Savage Beast

   I'm practicing avoidance again. I don't want to deal with this grief crap. You know why? Because it never seems to get me anywhere. Except angry, depressed, and sad. I don't like feeling that way, with no apparent purpose, so it's easier to just pretend I'm OK and go on. Although usually I have moments where I can look inside myself and know I'm not OK. And that's painful to see. 'Cause things are kind of a mess in there. 
   Way deep down, I feel empty, numb, hurt, alone. Loose at ends. Unsure of myself, unsure of how to go forward. Unsure how to frame my entire existence. I want to go back in time, to a place where I was certain of who I was, of my beliefs. Although heck, I've always been unsure of myself, of where I was heading, of what my purpose in life was. I just had a semi-solid belief system that made me feel like I had some sort of foundation I was resting on. Now I am the same me--lost! But this time with no foundation. 
    Life has a way of sort of ripping your heart up out your throat and shattering it into a million pieces. You realize that the cheerful, fun loving person you once were, say as a child, will never breathe again. It's a sad day when that truth stares you in the face, because I think pretty much everyone would love to be cheerful and carefree. However, being that way comes with a price---the price is, that you close your eyes to all the imperfections, the injustices, and the savagery of the world around you. For you, those things don't exist, and in return, you don't have to bear the burden of knowing them. But then you grow up a little and realize that they do exist, and there's nothing you can do to change the world or make it a better place to live in. It inexorably closes in on you and shows you that it is in charge. So, you retreat into yourself, and sort of just limp along in life and get by. You survive. But you never forget. And you can never go back.