Stormy Seas

   I feel angry again. I wish I could figure out a way to get past that. I feel angry that I had things taken away from me. I had the baby taken away from me, and with it, other things too...I had my innocence taken away. My ability to have more children. Oh sure, I could go on to have more besides my little two month old boy I have now, but now with my medical history, I'm in the high risk pregnancy category. And neither I nor my husband want to go through a difficult pregnancy again. We also don't want to push our luck with having another miscarriage if we were to try again. And, our two month old has some medical problems of his own (kidney problems inherited from me), so we don't want to risk having another one that has the same problems. I think having him was our last chance at having kids, and I don't want to push my luck. I also struggle with depression and am on medication for it, and it always gets worse in pregnancy and in the postpartum period. I don't want to spend another 9 months or more battling depression. Because when you're pregnant, they worry more about the baby than they do you, so if that means restricting the antidepressant medication that you need, then they will do it. Regardless of whether you feel like complete crap or not emotionally, every day. If you can still eat enough for the baby, and you don't feel like killing yourself, then it doesn't matter if your marriage is tanking because of your awful mood or if you feel like you're neglecting your three year old toddler. So long as the baby's ok---it's all good. Or so the medical community thinks. So, I can't sacrifice another year of my life to this mood disorder on the hopes of having it pay off in the end. I feel angry about that because I feel like it's partly because of the miscarriage that I have had that choice taken away from me.
   I'm also angry that I don't have a little baby girl. All my teen/adult life I have wanted a girl. Two girls, in fact. Now I have two boys. My sister, she was going to have the boys in the family, and she did have two boys, but she also went on to have a little girl. I feel cheated. I wanted girls, so I could pass on things like sewing, knitting, painting, cooking/baking, cross-stitch, quilting, beadwork, and things like that. I don't think little boys would appreciate me trying to teach them how to knit or make quilts. After we lost the one baby, I thought I would like to have 3 kids altogether. And who knows---if I were able to try again, I might be able to have a little girl. But it's too risky to try again. What if something happened to me and my two boys ended up having no mother? I can't risk myself on the chance that I could get a girl. I could very well have 3 boys. I don't know that I want that many boys. I love my boys, but they are a handful. 
   If I had had the baby instead of her dying, I might have had a little girl. See, I don't know for sure the gender of that baby that died, because he or she was too little to tell the gender on a scan. But I just feel like she was a girl, whether that is true intuition or wishful thinking, I don't know. What I do know is that whether she was a she or a he, I would have welcomed either one. 
   
   My mom says if I don't have a girl, then I can just enjoy my niece, and look forward to girl grandbabies, but how can that be fulfilling? I want one of my own. My sister's daughter is not my daughter. She's a lovely, beautiful girl, and she's precious. But she's not mine. I also don't want to adopt---I just know that's not me. I don't want to deal with the potential problems emotionally that an adopted child has, from being torn from their parents at a young age. Even babies that are given to their new parents at birth, can still have emotional scars. I don't really want to go through another pregnancy, but at least that child would be mine. 

   It's so hard to get past the "I am angry that I lost so many things" to a place of acceptance and seeing the silver lining. Somehow, people seem to do that. But I have no idea how. How do you get from one place to another? How do you make that transition? I feel like I could get lost in my anger if I thought about it too much. At this point I don't see anything good from losing that baby. I don't see how it could be good for me---it has destroyed me.