Ramblings

  I feel disappointed in the reading material I checked out from the library. Here I thought these books would help. Now I feel like, I still don't know if anything will help my spiritual situation.

My pastor offered to have me meet with some ladies in leadership, to just have some support and opportunity for conversation. I can't decide--I'm really stuck on this one. If I say no, then I'm probably turning down something that will be helpful. But if I say yes---then I have to open up to someone in person and I haven't done that with anyone about the miscarriage except my own husband. I also haven't done that with the spiritual issues I have, except again with my husband.
It's a scary prospect, mostly because it seems like most people don't know how to respond when you talk about a miscarriage. Most people seem to think that hey, it's a sad thing, but really not a huge life-changing deal. I know because that's kind of how I looked at it before it happened to me. I thought it was more like a sad disappointment that wouldn't leave a big dent in someone's life. Little did I know! Mostly too because people just don't talk about it. I know that I'm part of that problem, I haven't talked to hardly anyone honestly about it. I want to, but I'm afraid---I'm afraid of judgement, of someone not understanding, of someone saying something like "Well you have your beautiful baby now," or "Well it's over now," or "It's not good to wallow in your grief." My sister made a comment that was similar to the last one soon after the miscarriage and so I haven't really talked to her much at all about it. Which is sad, because I though with her having had a miscarriage herself some years ago, she would understand. 
   When I talk about how I feel, I don't want people to try to distract me from those feelings. I don't want them to try to point out some silver lining or something I should be grateful for, as if it were wrong to feel sad. I want people to listen, express sympathy, and ask me leading questions to encourage me to tell the story. Because that's what helps the most, telling the story. The more a grieving person tells it, the easier it is to make sense of it.