Realizations

   Today I made a connection. I know that I worry a lot more post-miscarriage than I did before it. Things like imagining what I'd do if someone broke into my house, how I would feel if my husband died, how it would look if one of my living children died, etc. And I see now where that stems from: the feeling of me, as a mom, failing. When I lost the baby, I felt that I failed in my duty to protect the little life in me from harm. So if I can fail at that, I can fail to protect my living children from harm, say from an intruder or accident or any other external force. I can fail to protect my husband, too (even though that's not really my job, I still want to make sure he doesn't get hurt either).

   Because the unthinkable happened to me, I now have lost the naiveté that would allow me to think, "It would never happen to me." I used to think, well, I'm a Christian! So God will protect me from bad things happening to me! God will protect my children, my unborn, my family from harm. Well, I learned otherwise. Being a Christian doesn't protect you from bad things happening. God doesn't protect us, like I originally thought. I'm not even sure why people say that He does, because bad things happen to good people all the time. People get hit by cars, murdered, abducted, raped; they fall ill, they get cancer, they die. And sure, you go to heaven, but what about the families left behind, ravaged by their grief? Did God protect them from that? No. He stood by and let it happen. He doesn't cover us with His hand while the plague passes us by...no, he just lets it all hit us full force. 

As you can see, I've hit a major pothole in my faith. Something I thought was a given---God's protection---has been pulled out from under me, and it's really made me question my faith. Does God even care? Does He even love me? If He loved me, He would protect me from harm, wouldn't He? If He loves me, doesn't He love my unborn baby? Does He love anybody, or is it just an illusion? The hard questions come when you're faced with the reality of death. When it's no longer an abstract concept, but it has touched you with its cold, clammy fingers, then you begin to look deep within yourself for answers. And many times, those answers you had down pat really don't hold up water anymore.